When Would You Come Home?

Me and the puppies now have a bedtime routine. 

• First they fuck about a bit, deciding where they can be most in the way. 
• Then they go settle as far away from me as they possibly can.
• I ignore them and start watching something on my laptop.
• About 5 minutes later I get two wet noses shoved in my face.
• I have to then lift up the quilt so they can get under.
• They spend a few moments getting lost in Narnia or some shit.
• Amber then hugs my knees so I can’t run away.
• Cassie comes and acts as little spoon with her head just under my chin on the pillow.
• My heart implodes from how utterly cute they both are.

They’ve done the same thing now for about a week. 

To be honest, I’m just please they’ve stopped vomiting in my room.

When I go shopping with the girls everyone thinks one of two things

1. I am their mother. They are two black two year old girls and I am clearly under the age of 30. Although adoption is legal now I’m 21, they still seem to think I am their mum. Also they think Anthony (their adopted father) is my partner. 

2. I have stolen them. I kid you not.

All in all it makes it very hard for me to flirt successfully with the pretty shop people. Bugger.

Few things before I begin my tale of peril and good over evil. 

1. I am not scared of spiders.
2. I am not a fan of evil poisonous spiders.
3. Anything with more than 8 legs freaks me out.
4. I really like peanut butter at the moment.

So, one day while I was very busy being poorly and moping around the house trying to not spend too much time doing fuck all in bed, taking as many cold and flu pills as my body can handle and generally being totally unproductive, I came across a spider in the house. Using my extensive knowledge of Australian arachnids (And my phone to text someone who really DOES have a working knowledge of all things creepy and all things crawly) I was able to determine that this little beasty was, in fact, poisonous! 

(Dun Dun Duuuuuun kinda music, maestro)

So I did the old cup and paper trick, had the beast secure in its cage and began to plot how to rid our humble home of this venomous pest before it devoured one of the puppies or myself in my weakened state. Of all the ideas I had or could have had I went with putting it in a Tupperware container and shaking. Did it work? No. Did I freak out when I tried to put it down the sink and a) it was too big to fit and b) IT WAS STILL ALIVE AND MOVED? Definitely. So after attempting to use the corner of the lid to smush the creature down (and at the point i began to feel sorry for the poor thing) I thought I’d leave the tap on for a minute or so, and then put a cup over the plug hole in case it was a super spider who can survive a semi-drowning and a mediocre smushing and decided to come back for vengeance. 

So as much as I feel bad for killing a poor innocent creature, in reality, it was kill the spider or the spider kills the dogs. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

Sometimes the puppies like to sleep in my bed at night and spoon me so I don’t feel so lonely. And up until this week I have had no problem with that. However I am now not their friend anymore. I am having a huge hissy fit and pretending that they don’t even exist today. Obviously they have no idea and still think it’s OK to look cute and fluffy and utterly huggable. 

Looking cute and fluffy and utterly huggable right now is not aceptable for the following reasons;

1. I awoke to Amber vomiting in my bed about 3 days ago.
2. Later that day Cassie vomited on the kitchen floor.
3. I awoke to Cassies bum ON my face the morning after.
4. I awoke today to find that Amber had done a shit on my towel. 

Now some of you will be thinking ‘Poor Cassie, she hasn’t really done anything wrong, you should forgive her and give her a puppy cuddle’. But no, I will not. I am convinced she is in on it all and simply coercing Amber into doing these things. It’s always the innocent looking ones that are behind this kind of evil wrong-doing.